you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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