did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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