She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
