So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
