Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
