i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
