you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
