There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
