My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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