U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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