Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
