like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
