Don't make out with my wife yet
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
