im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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