I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
