So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
