somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
