Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
