Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
