well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
