I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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