you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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