I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
