I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
