I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm passing your future prison.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
