I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
