I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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