I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
