I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just high enough for therapy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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