So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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