I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
