The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
