I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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