dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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