I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
