hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
