i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
