Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Green mimosas i think yes
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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