Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
