Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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