I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
