He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
