he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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