some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
