so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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