I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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