my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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