my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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