Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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