I wish they made helmets for livers.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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