They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
