i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
