Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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