Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
