Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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