Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
